Catharsis

My most fantastic revelations have occurred at the most mundane situations...like when I’m brushing my teeth or making coffee or cleaning my room. And recently I realized that somehow somewhere sometime I'd let go of all the things I'd been clinging to so tenaciously for the past decade...every single thing I thought went wrong, everything I thought unfair, everything I had been forced to face and fought to deal with...didn't matter any more. And funny thing is, I wasn't as ecstatic as I thought I should be, yeah I felt positively peaceful...almost Zen like, but that's it...after 3650 ( tats allll a decade is...even tat seems insignificant) or so days of agonizing over something, I finally got over it, finally buried all the bitterness without even paying it the tribute of a funeral (which by the way, is a good thing).
So ok shit happened. Big deal. And I actually genuinely feel that way about it. No fake machismo involved ( though tat might sound a little inappropriate since i'm not a man to begin with, it expresses what I want say pretty aptly). And besides, if I had grown up the way I was growing up, I would have ended up being an unbelievably snooty, boringly smug, irritatingly picky person anyway...so everything that happened, made me a much better person than I would have been. I definitely needed a little humbling. When a catastrophe strikes it hits hard in the beginning, but when you get over it, IF you get over it, what remains of you is just those parts of you that are of any actual relevance....
I was so pathetically arrogant...about everything...how easy it was...anything...everything...whatever I wanted, I got...sometimes by luck, sometimes ability and sometimes just plain love. And I never actually stopped to feel grateful for any of it. Not grateful to anybody...just grateful for what is!...I should have been, I wasn't. The only thing i regret is that I had to watch my loved ones go through what they did before I realized how absolutely paltry the value of what I valued was.
...let me start at the beginning...from now on this post is going to belong to my father...because it is his battles that I have witnessed, and his losses I have mourned. And his strength I have admired. His early years he spent being coached in english and the mahabharata and ramayana by his grandmother ( who I might just write a post about someday!) and sitting astride someone's shoulders when his father went hunting. He still has a tiger's claw in his cupboard somewhere...that is the picture I have of my father's childhood. A tiger's claw. An old antique watch and my grandfather's picture frozen at age 39…all I know is everything my father became he already innately was. He is someone I cannot imagine losing…I have watched him teetering precariously in the most dangerous of situations…I know he will always make it. He was educated completely through scholarships, which I presume made things much easier for my grandmother who had five younger daughters to grow up, that none of them(not even my grandmother…who I like to assume was just too old to do anything) was around, when my father seemed to have lost is irrelevant…school, Rourkee and then Japan…all on the strength of his abilities. Then a few years as an engineer. And then SUNSU happened. And grew slowly to become the company it was. One of the top five in the country…that was when the family pictures were always pretty full and we received lots of complementary gifts at special occasions( funny how much of that you can get when you don’t relly need it)…the seat in his office was my favorite place to be. It was one those comfortable leather jobs with an AC right next to it…and the luxury of looking at people outside without having them look back at me. He used to stay entire nights at the factories sometimes, when shipments were being sent…all he was, all he had, he gave to nourish what he wanted to accomplish. And he did, also taking all his sisters and their husbands and their children piggybacking…hmm…come to think of it he even paid for their educations, their house rents, I even have an uncle who sold a company car, pocketed the money, I know my dad didn’t ask him for it. I loved watching their expressions when my mother reminded them of it recently when they came sniffing around after hearing he wasn’t down anymore. It all started with the delay in importing accessories…from Hong Kong I think. The company there had manufactured it based on the company’s reputation without an official order, so he had to buy it from them, even if it was going to be delayed, but the profit margin he was working with permitted him to settle to ship by air. But but but, Air France( he sued them too late...) decided to have a strike. Nice timing. And because of the delay the importers didn’t pay him…and while all this was happening…the Chinese foreign relations minister paid us a visit and there was an enquiry as to why he did…which was a little irritating. They just wanted jackets manufactured!...aaaand meanwhile…a company in Bombay decided to sue us…and actually managed to get the company closed…which would have been a temporary situation, if the units hadn’t been burgled when they were in the court’s custody…positively irresponsible!...but you can’t sue the government and win…just doesn’t happen. And then, it was handed over to the official liquidator…and the company’s assets were sold for 60 lakhs…60 frikkin lakhs…THAT’S IT! For more than 400 machines two which alone were worth that much individually! I think that’s when he decided to let it all go and start again. To build again. And he did. But in the process he sold his cars, his home, 20 years of effort, his faith in people, his pride, and his youth. When you’re down you are really alone, irrespective of how many novices you have helped along and watched grow, irrespective of how many people you actually carried along when you could, irrespective of the fact that you never cheated anyone or ever compromised on integrity or quality…you are finally alone. For the past decade I watched this man make routine rounds of courtrooms…yes your honor no your honor guilty as charged your honor…for crimes he supposedly committed. And we recently discovered the company whose representatives were thirsting for his blood for the past decade doesn’t exist anymore! And that is what those men do now, talk about weird professions…they’ve apparently closed down 3 other companies…its too entangled to even begin to unravel. This representative also made a hobby of turning up unannounced early in the morning with fabricated arrest warrants…which was annoying. Bastard.

And now life is finally slipping into a semblance of normalcy, and like I said…I just realized…we’re all ok now.

And as far as realizations go…insanity… is only that point at which a person refuses to believe the rational, that point at which a person decides to give up trying and let circumstance guide the course of his life…so as far as this remains true, we’re all pretty safe as long as we want to be.

And if someone can live through this…they can live through a lot…which is actually a pretty great thing to know! :)

blue eyed stranger

THE saang...wrote it in half an hour...the music for it is still a lil sketchy...and woooooooooon!wheeeeeeee!...no cash though...cha

I am
The contradiction
In your truth
The truth
In all your lies
I'm the
Song in all
Your music
And the low
In all your highs.

I am your
February valentine
Your
September ex
I am the
memory
In your photographs
The whiskey
In your pegs...

Do you
remember how
we sounded
Music
in the
rain
Your hesistant
baritone
And my
Soprano strain

Blue eyed stranger
with the
Familiar face...
Lets take that walk now
Its been a very long day
Blue eyed stranger...

The contradiction
In your truth
The truth
In all your lies
The song in all
your music
The low in
all your highs

Blue eyed stranger with the
...familiar face

(at MCC...Cul-ah!...8/2/2007)

pseudo...

hmm lesson one...
...get your spellings right.I just read a profile...and listed as interests werethe following

she likes
music by "arrowsmith" (aunty...aerosmith)
Crime and Punishment by "Feodar Doveshki" (fyodor dostoevsky must be turning in his grave)
"Italion job" (ask Mrs.Gandhi)
"Usual Sespects" (I suspect you dont know what you're talking about here...)
"Fountain Head" (fountainhead fountainhead fountainhead...)
...and the winner
...drumroll
...reggae style trumpeting...
...tatatatataaaan

SHORT SHANK REDEMPTION (for this...you will not be forgiven)

ok...I have no idea if it was an attempt at humour...or a desperate stab at trying to seem intellectual...or in layman's terms COOL I say!

It would have been funny if it wasn't so pathetic.think about it...this person obviously...knows
that these movies books bands she's named are good.they're worth paying attention to...but she's not relly interested in them,in those aspects of these works that make them as valuable as they are.

What this person,(and lotsa other ppl) wanted to do, was piggyback ride on the respect these works have earned...over the years.
with no regard or respect for the ideas that make these things special, no understanding of the values they represent,not knowing or caring what amount of work, effort brought these things into being.
How low does 'self esteem' have to get to make a person hide behind these names, that
she knows society perceives as valuable, with the full knowledge that she doesn't even begin to understand them.If you took these names away from her...wat would her worth then be?
YUCK.

somehow fake silicone tits are a lot easier to condone...because...
there's the 'physical person' and the personality...and personality is definitely the more sancrosanct of the two
so children...don't fake it! dont plagiarise...piracy is a crime...in every fukin sense.

Untouchable Face

think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
'cept maybe you
i could make you happy you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i'd do

to tell you the truth i prefer
the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but
you're perfect together

so f*** you
and your untouchable face
and f*** you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much

two-thirty in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
a safe haven of sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down
the top 20 country songs
and out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
y'know, i don't look forward
to seeing you again
you'll look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
and i won't know what to do
and i won't know what to say

except f*** you...
and your untouchable face
and f*** you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much


i see you and i'm so perplexed
what was i thinking
what will i think of next
where can i hide
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and when the fan is on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
i see orion and say nothing
the only thing i can think of saying

is f*** you...

The essence of freedom

The essence of true freedom
...is what allows a man
to make his own inquiries
into life...
and how it ought to be lived.
It is, being able to filter through all
the information thrown at us on a
daily basis and choosing to
imbibe only that which we
can believe with absolute honesty,
only those thoughts,those actions,
which can be allowed to shape
who we finally become, to
define the 'I' in each of us.

HELP

writer's block
HELP!
HELP
HELP
...

Tell me...
did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the Milky way
To see
The light's all faded
...and that
Heaven is overrated
Tell Me...
Did Venus
Blow your mind!
Was it everything you
wanted to find
...and did you
Miss me...
while you were...
Looking for your...
Self!
...out there...

Hair today...GONE tomorrow

...I got a new hairstyle today...walked into the parlour and said 'give me steps'...she said 'layers' would look sooo much better...and made me agree too...then I said don't make it too short...but obviously people's opinions on 'how much is too much'(even in the realm of 'shortness' and 'longness' of hair) differ and can be anthesises of each other...but you cant relly tell how much is being chopped off if its all pinned to the top of you head and gets snipped off in bits...and you cant look at the floor...coz then she'd prolly chop off the wrong part...so i held my breath and let her work...and a good half hour of snipping later...the pins came off...and she sprayed me...(not just my hair...ME) with water and brought out her blow dryer...and i thought...whew...dont have to luk yet!...but nonononnono...i had to take a look at the length before it was 'set'...like i could actually grow it back if i wanted...and i peeped...first through one eye...then the other...and then both...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH...I looked like something a cat might cough out!...or rather my head looked like it...all my hair lying on the floor at the feet of the chair...PIRACY!!! Maybe she was involved in some racket that sold wigs(made from the hair of innocent sleepy post-internals engineering students) to balding middle aged men, you never know...but before i could voice my indignation she switched on the blow dryer...smart...but i plan to keep an eye on her for a few days now...inform hanumantappa from the local police station maybe...snip snip snip...i mean sniff sniff...somethings fishy...

Policing on the web....

Having a blog is (it just dawned on me)...like having someone policing your every opinion. After having my third blog shut down...and for no fault of my own...I am trying( and managing with inhuman tenacity) to hold on to that feeling of undiluted love I have fostered for google for the past...um...dunno some years...hmmm...just gave myself a pat on the back.

But really...how do you monitor this anyway. My blog replete with innocent( bordering on childish) ramblings of a twenty year old gets taken off...and I just read a blog by someone called edwardcocaine...going scot free. Its incidents like these that make you wonder...if 'big brother's' brain is actually functional...or is it just some rudimentary organ that rouses itself from its perpetually indolent state to disable profiles at random (meant to make it sound like a raving lunatic in a playground...with a bludgeoning hammer...couldn't quite handle the subtle satirical imagery...)

?

What then
is the
extent
Of
human...cruelty,
human fraility?
What is
the
Extent of
Our
Potential
to experience
Unutterable
...despair...
What
finally causes
The frayed
threads
Of our control,
Over ourselves
...our
actions,
our thoughts to
...finally snap
What...is
the only thing
we
truly fear?

hmmm

hmmmmmmmm

IRIS

Iris

And Id give up forever to touch you
cause I know that you feel me somehow
Youre the closest to heaven that ill
Ever be
And I dont want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
cause sooner or later its over
I just dont want to miss you tonight

And I dont want the world to see me
cause I dont think that theyd
Understand
When everythings made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you cant fight the tears that aint
Coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know youre alive

'squiggle' in an impossibly square slot

Random...everything about my life is so bloody random. Why am I doing the things I am doing...what,you ask?...well, lets start off with engineering...after planning for two whole years to be an architect...and my entire life before that to be a writer...what twist of fate...what fated twist in my life's uncharted winding...(holding out promises of some obscure destiny...just around the next corner...jusht outta sight)...road led me to engineering...pretty simple and veeeeeeeery cliched...my mom and my mom's younger sister and my uncles and their cousins and my neighbor's friend's dog's owner's grandmother's sister's son's wife's shrink thought it would be a better option(considering the 'impractical' nature of my ambitions) for me to keep my options open...So,here I am now with my 'open options' being a 'clueless about my future' student of ....tadaaaa.....computer science...its not bad...the subject for the sake of itself is worth studying...That freaks me out too...because finally any job well-done is rewarding...BUT BUT BUT I dont want to settle for just that...No one does...to able to do what you really really want to do...is that too much to ask for...what if I make those stupid compromises again...Nobody actually comes out and says 'do this!you have to!'...but its always there unsaid,but communicated with cruelly precise eloquence...'you dont really know what you want to do...and it would be sooo ungrateful of you to do what you're saying you're going to do...I wont stop you...but why don't you try what I'm asking you to do...I have your entire life charted out in my head already...'...the works...topped with that angelic victimsed smile...you can...you may...but you'd be heartless if you did.STOP manipulating me...that's all I want to say...stop using the fact that I want to live up to your expectations...that I want to make you happy AGAINST me!!!Don't you see...this way...all I can be is mediocre...not bad enough at whatever it is I do to HAVE TO stop...and not good enough to be happy...just because I can dosent necessarily mean I WANT TO...

To accept the consequences of my actions is possible ONLY if the decision to take those actions is 'mine'!

To live life on my terms is all I ask...is that too much???

Black mood...reloaded

Friday, March 10, 2006
black mood...
...have you ever felt, like a silent spectator to everything happening around you...wishing you could close your eyes...wishing you could block out parts of your perception, like editing in films...but watched on helplessly because...providence is a limited luxury. Have you ever watched someone take your hand, smile at you...lovingly, and walk you to your end...(and jumped...because they wanted you to?) Have you ever heard a song and wished you were the music in it? Read a poem and wished you were just one single verse? Have you ever looked at the sky on clear april nights and wished you could hold the entire expanse of it in the palm of your hand? Did you ever swim in the ocean and wish you could be the turbulence in it's waves...or watched a bird and wished you could soar...have you watched a baby sleep...and wished you steal that...that uncomplicated peace...have you stood in sunlight, and wished you could be that warmth. have you ever kissed someone...completely...and wished you could be that feeling...have you ever watched someone die...and wished you could go instead?...or closed your eyes and preferred that darkness to light...have you hated loved wanted craved despised hoped and lost all in one moment?...
...have you been everyone I've ever met?

posted by mustabe_someone at 9:10 AM

PiNk!!!

pink!
pink is my new obsession
pink is not even a question
pink on the lips of your lover
coz PINK is the love you discover
PINK is gets me high as a kite
PINK its like red but not quite
and I think everything is going to be
alright no matter
What we do to-niiiiiiiiite

PINK is my favourite crayon
PINK as the sheets that we lay on


....yeah...rani ki kahani was staged yesterday...full happy coming!yippee happening!(maybe goin a lil kapooot...but who the hell cares...if goin kapoot feels like this!!!)...lights wow...sound wow...everything...full happy coming...so much happy comong...sentences disjointed happening...and scripting 'indian fairytale'...so fullto jooooy...yippeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(p.s:god bless 'an indian fairytale')
Monday, May 29, 2006

morpheus on a leash...

When awareness
Is all I ask...
When my senses
Fill me
With this
Fading symphony
Of glory...
Beyond my
wildest dreams.
When all I
ask
Is to feel...

Where desire
Ends at
wishing
to believe
All that
is assailing
my tantalised senses
is indeed
more than
a fictious
production
Of my somnolent
...dreaming
mind.

Because finally...

Nobody is great...
Nothing is great.
Because everything
and everyone
is so transient...
How can anything
be great
...if it is
only a passing fancy
of the cosmos???

its a looong story....

Ever wanted something?...no not like you'd like it, or like to have it...I mean really want it. Crave for it...with every pore of your being, only to have it dance away from you on tiny quicksilver feet- to someone you really wouldn't snatch it away from...no matter how much your soul ached for that very thing...that you wanted to be...
...maybe that is why it was handed to them in the first place...with that very diabolical thought wedged...rotten in the twisted crevices of that crooked mind...how very original...to use your love for the reciever...to protect the recieved.Knowing that in giving it to that very person...it would be snatched away from your hopeful fingers...

Pain...you denial of desire...dont mock...

...To find such an impegnable sheath...so intricately woven...each denial...each obstacle placed in your path...so intricate...so well thought out...

I hadn't believed it was possible...such calculated cold cruelty...it still shocks me...and at some fundamental level...it always will.They say you have to be stong to take loss...denial...what if i'm just tired of being denied???

and who you be...?

ever had those weird people calling up and breathing into your telephone...no they exist....seriously.they are an un-acknowledged sub-species of homosapiens...universally un-acknowledged oweing to the unbearable embarrassment of the whole situation...i mean imagine having to admit that monkeys or penguins or rats were in some way superior to this our (oh so civilised...ohh so intelligent so sensible) honourable race.good point?thank you.

now to skip the boring lecture and get to the dirty details...

ma gets a call:
she was going through the motions of normal living on a normal day(yell at me to get my lazy arse off of my bed...yell at my bro to please kindly NOT leave his dirty smelly...nearly rotting socks in the middle of the living room floor...a visual not to mention olfactory....treat for all our unfortunate unsuspecting visitors!) when the phone rang."chinnu phone ettu!"-approximately 33 times...finally she recieved the call."hello"-about 9 times...i think...no reply.

we got multitudinous variants of the same call...still getting variants of the same call...correction.

case 1:music...not bad actually...on other end of line
can listen to it if not expecting calls

case 2:i love you i love you i louuuuvvvveeee you
non-stop....and to any lady that picks up
now who is it that you've given your dil to dude?
my mom?...my maid?...me?...or is it my bro...whose voice at age 14 unfortunately...well lets be nice

case 3:panting...pant pant pant...pant a little more
really....?ok one moment...whiskey(my imaginary labrador) will speak to you in a mo...


...see...really do not know what to do.different numbers each time too...but i like believe the human race is not depraved enough to hold more than a handful of these demented psychopaths...so am assuming is one single psycho...travelling between phones(at a frantic pace) to terrorise unwary phone subscribers of bsnl landlines...hmmm...

i am a poet who dosent knowet

you were so many
things I admire
You're all the strength
i thought i could
lean against
when my own strength
failed me...
you were
my stability
when i thought
my world was
crumbling,
my waltz
with silence
in this
noisy party
-life...
that i have
stumbled into
Uninvited...
You Were
someone
i thought
i could
turn to
when i
was lonely
i thought
you could,
would,
always
keep me
from everything
that would
undo me...
Me-done up in knots
tied with
taoist discpline
by a
drunken hand...in a torture room
i always thought
you would
break my fall
each single time
i stumbled...
i thought...you were...

...you are
so many things
My vilest enemy,
My truest love,
My only armour
- you leave me vulnerable
defenceless...
keeper of
my secrets
-would you sell them...
for a price?
perpetrator of my dreams
-you leave me sleepless...
You are that lonely street
i walk to
when my senses
take a holiday
and all
that guides me
is...my feelings
-those wanton
confused
wanderers
drunk on everything
that is you...
You are...
so many things,
My only adversary
My one true love...
You are
the rock
I broke myself
against.