Random...everything about my life is so bloody random. Why am I doing the things I am doing...what,you ask?...well, lets start off with engineering...after planning for two whole years to be an architect...and my entire life before that to be a writer...what twist of fate...what fated twist in my life's uncharted winding...(holding out promises of some obscure destiny...just around the next corner...jusht outta sight)...road led me to engineering...pretty simple and veeeeeeeery cliched...my mom and my mom's younger sister and my uncles and their cousins and my neighbor's friend's dog's owner's grandmother's sister's son's wife's shrink thought it would be a better option(considering the 'impractical' nature of my ambitions) for me to keep my options open...So,here I am now with my 'open options' being a 'clueless about my future' student of ....tadaaaa.....computer science...its not bad...the subject for the sake of itself is worth studying...That freaks me out too...because finally any job well-done is rewarding...BUT BUT BUT I dont want to settle for just that...No one does...to able to do what you really really want to do...is that too much to ask for...what if I make those stupid compromises again...Nobody actually comes out and says 'do this!you have to!'...but its always there unsaid,but communicated with cruelly precise eloquence...'you dont really know what you want to do...and it would be sooo ungrateful of you to do what you're saying you're going to do...I wont stop you...but why don't you try what I'm asking you to do...I have your entire life charted out in my head already...'...the works...topped with that angelic victimsed smile...you can...you may...but you'd be heartless if you did.STOP manipulating me...that's all I want to say...stop using the fact that I want to live up to your expectations...that I want to make you happy AGAINST me!!!Don't you see...this way...all I can be is mediocre...not bad enough at whatever it is I do to HAVE TO stop...and not good enough to be happy...just because I can dosent necessarily mean I WANT TO...
To accept the consequences of my actions is possible ONLY if the decision to take those actions is 'mine'!
To live life on my terms is all I ask...is that too much???
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2 comments:
Its easy to externalize and let yourself belive that you dont have control.
Every moment is a choice... to let someone decide your fate or not..
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
-Robert Frost
yeah...i'm kinda scared of the decisions i might make too...but...if 'I' make them...I'll be able to live with the consequences is what I'm trying to say...partly of course
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